Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the art, challenge, ease and trials of communicating. Asking for what you want may be the best and easiest way to get it, so why do we avoid making a direct request? What stops us from “using our words?” Most of us know that reading minds is not possible, regardless of how much we wish it were so (and I am aware of “The Mentalist” but have yet to meet one in real life).
I have noticed that people tend to try many things to create a situation where they can get t he outcome they wish but want to do it without direct, honest communication. What have we got to lose? Is letting someone know our true feelings really that bad?
What has this got to do with sex, some of you may ask? The easiest way to get the pleasure/ touch/simulation you want from a partner is to actually ask for it. *Gasp*, yes I am encouraging actually talking about sex! The realm seems one of the most taboo to dare to name your wants. Understandably, since even in a society obsessed with sex, we are not actually taught how to communicate about it. If we are not taught how to communicate in general, where does that leave our sex lives?
I understand the struggle and I am aware of the stakes, but I also know the payoff. It is so gratifying to say “can you touch me there” and have someone willingly do it! Leaving our egos at the door, and the idea that we should be able to read someone’s mind and know what they want without asking. Asking another what they want and keeping an open mind is just as important as asking for yourself.
Something to ponder next time you know what you want but are afraid to ask. Comments welcome!
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Musings on Sex and Sexuality 
Many women are raised to put our own wants aside, to consider – anticipate even – what everyone else wants and needs first. Before we can communicate our desires we have to know what we want and that requires the privilege and luxury of down time! When we’re always doing for others it’s easy to lose touch with what it is we even want. I have nothing against communication 😉 just pointing out that within the discussion of “communication” lies a chicken-and-egg conundrum: if we don’t know what we want there isn’t much to communicate.
Candace, I couldn’t agree more. Where do we go from here and how can we support each other to have the time and space to be able to figure out what we want. Yes, it is difficult to communicate if we don;t know. How are we going to allow ourselves to find out? Many challenges and lack of support in society as women traditionally do have to put their needs aside.
Knowing what you want is the first step. Then there is knowing HOW to communicate to get what you want. Asking and guiding in a way that feels good. You can tell him what you do like, then ask for what you want, and say thank you when he does it. If he didn’t do it just the way you wanted, simply start over. 1,2,3…1,2,3… just like the waltz. Don’t credit me though, I learned it from a communication video I got on Amazon from the Welcomed Consensus. There’s more, but this is the basics.